Back in, um, pain

In mid December, Frangelica and I were getting ready for my company's Christmas party.

One Saturday morning I woke up and could hardly move. Getting out bed was painful. I hobbled like an old man over to the bathroom. In the time since the previous night the bathtub wall had somehow grown to nearly thirty feet tall. Or at least, that's what it felt like.

After a hot shower I was better. Not great, but better.

I sort of have a history of back trouble. My father's back has gone out a few times. It went out once when he was playing with us kids at the school playground. He went to pick my sister up and he went down. I believe the paramedics came for that one. I remember he managed to get up on his hands and knees, and then couldn't go anywhere from there. Another time, his back went out when he bent over to pick up his toothbrush.

So anyway, my dad has had back trouble. So does my mother. Me, when I have trouble it's almost always with one shoulder.

This time, however, it was my lower back. Anyone who has had back problems will tell you how painful it is, how tense you get. You spend a lot of time wondering when your back will give out next. All of a sudden, the ground seems really far away. Getting in and out of the car becomes and adventure. You hobble from place to place. People wonder if you're just a young 80, or if you really are 30.

The only things that tends to make backs get better is time and rest. Well, that and moving correctly. Lift with your legs. Don't bend at the waist without bending at the knees. Get out of bed by turning on your stomach and inching backwards onto the floor. Be really careful of where and how you sit down, because if you choose poorly you won't get back up again without help.

Anyway, that Saturday I took it easy. By Sunday things were better. Not 100%, but better. Monday passed without incident.

Tuesday, Frangelica wanted to go to the mall to get makeup for the upcoming party. We went to Sephora.

Frangelica approached an employee to ask about some mythological powder or ungent or some such alchemical concoction. The employee smiled.

Before I knew what was happening, Frangelica was swarmed. At one point, there were three employees working on her. Over the course of our visit, all five store employees helped her with something.

In the meantime, I stood up and tried not to look too out of place. Which was hard, because I was the only male non-employee in the store. And my back was killing me. That's the other thing about back problems. Walking is more or less ok. Standing is bad. I stood for what felt like hours. I would have gone outside to sit on a bench, but I knew Frangelica needed me to pay for what was looking like about one million dollars worth of makeup.

Eventually I couldn't stand it any more. I told Frangelica I was going to hobble out to a bench. The employee chirped, "We're almost done."

Foolishly, I believed her. Looking back on it, they were only halfway through.

I must say that when Frangelica emerged from the flurry of activity, she was stunning. By which I mean, even more stunning than usual.

After some small discussion we decided that the various ungents, creams, powders, tonics, and whatnot would be Frangelica's Christmas present.

By the end my back felt a little better, but only because it had gone numb.

The next day I could hardly move. Getting out of bed was a Herculean effort. Scaling the sheer walls of the bathtub was too. A hot shower didn't help.

So, off I went to the doctor. Naturally, my doctor was on vacation, though I did like the doctor I saw. He hooked me up with industrial strength Ibuprofen and some groovy muscle relaxants, told me about a couple of exercises I should do and then sent me home.

The next day I went back to work, fuzzy from the muscle relaxants.

Normally, you shouldn't take the muscle relaxants and drive. It's a bad idea. But this is Virginia (the "welcome" sign to the state says, "Welcome to Virginia. 2 drink minimum"). Being numb improved the driving experience. Sure the idiots were still there. Sure I nearly died. I just cared less.

Anyway, about a week went by and my back wasn't getting much better. Sure it was a little better, but it wasn't the amazing improvement I was expecting. I was running out of muscle relaxants. So, back to the doctor I went. Naturally, both my doctor and the doctor I had seen previously were unavailable.

The doctor I got was a small Chinese woman. "If you're not better by mid-January, come back and see us."

Right. Clearly, I forgot to mention that with back problems, everything is slow, including the healing.

Now that it is mid January, I am feeling a lot better. My back is still a little tender, but I'm almost back to normal.